Mourning the loss of what we didn’t get
I finally got to bed just after midnight on the night of the election. They were still waiting for polling locations to report the results and I was already dozing in and out of sleep on the couch. I dragged myself upstairs and went to sleep. The sound of rain outside our bedroom woke me up in the morning.
My wife Tina felt the bed move as I leaned over to grab my phone. The web browser was already on the Google election results so I refreshed the page and let out a big sigh.
“What was the final outcome last night?“ asked Tina.
“Trump won”
“Ugh…”
“Ugh” was right. We both looked out the patio door and saw rain. Not the kind of rain that feels cleansing and purifying, but the kind that makes for a very sad rainy day.
It felt like the city of Austin was crying that morning. I couldn’t muster any words.
Tina started chatting with me and I saw myself sitting there, unusually quiet and without response. My brain was thinking through the impact to my family and friends.
Our Son
My hope was to wake up and tell our 4 year old son that we had a woman become President of the United States. Tina and I had already talked to him about how historic it was for us to have President Obama take the reigns from President Bush and how important it was to have a woman on the ballot for one of the big two parties.
He told us last week he wanted to be the first president that was also an astronaut and doctor. Man I love that kid.
We told him he could do all three and supported him in whatever he wanted adulthood to be for him. He looked up to President Obama and we encouraged him to do so. Barack is charming, polite, soulful and is perfectly matched with an amazing woman with all of the traits that would make her a great president.
How would I tell him to look up to the man who won? The one who has said such rude things, Tweeted such misogynistic and hate speech, and rallied a lot of people back to racism and xenophobia? Don’t kid yourself thinking our children don’t see this when they are playing in the room as we are watching the news.
I couldn’t tell him and it made me sad. Our son cannot look up to the President of the United States for the next 4 years. He will be 8 before we can even encourage that again.
My Wife
Tina and I talked at length about how important it was to have a woman option on the ballot. We both proudly voted for and were equally proud to vote for . While she isn’t the perfect candidate, she is much more qualified than Donald Trump and she breaks the stronghold that men have had since 1789.
A victory for Hillary was a victory for women all over. I have seen so many times where Tina was treated like a businesswoman rather than a businessperson. What could I say to her to eliminate the crushing blow to her dignity, worth, and soul — and that of every woman who has felt this way?
Our Friends
My thoughts then started imagining the backwards steps our country may take.
One thought that quickly came up surrounded a special wedding where I was asked to hold up a Chuppah for two Jewish friends who were getting married. My emotion surrounding that day is high as I was also the last person to hold their rings before they put them on each other’s fingers. Those rings have been there ever since, and for many years. These two friends of mine are both woman. What would happen if their marriage is deemed unlawful?
Several friends of ours have young daughters. How can I look at them and think that the President of the United States has made it ok to talk about “grabbing them by the p_$$y and kissing them even if they don’t want to do so?” It still makes me sick to think about.
We also have several friends who are pregnant. What if their health was on the line and they had to make the tough decision to have an abortion to save the life of the mother? How could I contemplate losing my friend because the lack of that decision caused them to die?
My father was born in Lithuania and I have many friends with parent’s that are from other countries. Some of them are not United States citizens. How can I tell my friends that the country wants them to leave now? These are wonderful people who work harder than most I know.
And so I mourned
The entire day felt sluggish and slow. I was unusually quiet and put my head down and went to work. I wrote code all day and tried to forget about what happened.
It wasn’t until I saw Tina that evening where it dawned on me what I was feeling. I was mourning. I had never felt this way during any previous presidential election. The only time I felt this way was when Reagan was shot.
I was mourning the death of a president — just not a sitting one. I was mourning the loss of the first woman president and the loss of the things I described above.
“I am mourning too,” said Tina. “It feels exactly like we lost a president. the election polarized us so much we had an emotional connection to Hillary and what she meant to the bigger picture. We lost that today.”
Bath, pizza, and a brownie
That night I took a long bath and poured water on my head while I sat there speechless. Then we took our kids to pizza with friends and I got a massive brownie for the table. It helped a bit. Chocolate does heal things.
Time will heal me and I hope it does you too
I am taking the time to gather my feelings and writing this out has been cathartic. Consider this my peaceful protest that doesn’t block any lanes of traffic during rush hour.
My hope is that this article helps you get to the point where you can openly talk to others about how you feel. Together we are strong. It first takes communication and then communication turns into action.
I learned over the years that if I write down a goal it has a greater chance of becoming real. My goal is simple.
I would like Michelle Obama to be our first woman President of the United States.
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